Hello Friends,

The other day, I realized something that should have been obvious since it has been staring me in the face for my whole life. My entire identity has been based on asking myself who Grisha is—what kind of man he is, a son, brother, friend, or lover.

Yesterday was the first time that I began to wonder why. Why Grisha? Why create an identity with so much certainty, so much idealization and romanticization? To get to where I am now I would have to go back to the beginning.

I was an annoying kid. You know that kid on the playground that had TOO much crackhead energy. Always running around. Floating between friend groups because I did not quite fit in anywhere. Wanting to badly to be involved, invited, to belong.

For those of you that do not know the history of my name I was originally born/named Gregory. In my culture however this name translates to Grigori or Grisha. I hated Gregory. I hated who I was, the neediness, the clinging to people, the wanting to be seen, heard, felt, accepted. When I made a conscious decision to "kill" that version of myself, I locked him away.

I promised myself to never need others, to never need permission to live, to love, to be happy and so I went on a decade long adventure of crafting this identity. The tattoos, the muscles, the charisma and confidence, the belief system… the unshakable certainty of who I was.

In the process Grisha was born and Gregory was forgotten. When I left America, I had 2000 followers, and within four months, that rocketed to over 30k. I was traveling the world, building my following, making memories and connections, and yet… I could never quite shake this feeling that I was betraying myself.

There is so much conversation around our inner children these days and I had always thought I was making mine proud. I mean, if Gregory could see the life and person that Grisha is today, he wouldn't believe that this was the same kid.

A lot like the story in The Alchemist, I would have never expected that the place I spent so hard trying to escape from (Being Gregory) is exactly the place my journey would bring me back to. I created a split within myself. I thought in order for Grisha to live Gregory had to die.

Grisha has everything Gregory wanted but now all Gregory wants is for Grisha to love him the way he always wanted. To give him the sense of belonging, acceptance, and inclusion that he missed as a kid.

Anytime we attempt to forget, move on from, kill, destroy, ignore or deny a part of ourselves we create a split that causes us to lose a sense of our "wholeness." We miss out on the lessons, the gifts, the wisdom and the guidance that part of us holds.

The emptiness I feel inside is the realization that I have most of what Grisha wanted. I have most of what Gregory wanted, but in order to evolve and move onto/into the next phase of my life, Gregory will have to come with me. I will have to show Gregory the love and acceptance he lacked. I will have to show him that he is worthy of living.

What does that look like in a practical sense?

I am sitting with him. Right now, the mental image I have is this poor kid in a cage with the gate wide open. Free to leave sure but terrified to do so. Terrified of the outside world and of being rejected by it and so I sit with him.

I close my eyes and listen with my mind, heart, and body. I trust and follow my instincts. Sometimes he wants to punch a pillow; sometimes, he wants to write, sometimes, he wants to spin around or tell me stories I had longed to forget.

I never wanted to be an "influencer." I only ever wanted to inspire others through authenticity and vulnerability. I haven't posted for months because I could never be truly authentic if I didn't also bring this part of me out.

I try never to pretend to know better than what life naturally unfolds. I thought by now I'd be making thousands of dollars, helping hundreds of people, and posting content daily, and instead, I am in the middle of Tokyo, sitting with the one person I spent a decade trying to get rid of.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

With, from, and for love.

Grisha (and Gregory)